9/18/18 11:35pm

If you experience something enough you start to believe that similar situations will have the same outcome. In order to change your expectations you have to change your situation(s)! I want new experiences.



This needs to be put into practice until it becomes second nature.

9.18.18 9:41PM (Although this is not the firs time I've had this thought)

Ive realized that part of the reason Frederick was "perfect" for me was that he was constantly in a state of reassuring me how much i was the love of his life and all the things he loved about me that made me more special to him than anyone in the world. We texted all day everyday for 6 years. Id like to believe he meant those things, because I did feel them for him. But I realize that he only "had" to do this because we were in a perpetual state of separation. We were always in this dramatic love story. His constant professing of his love was in part a means to keep me there with him because he wasn't treating me correctly in other ways. I remember one of the most vivid times with him was laying in the bed in Harlem, no occasion, no reason, him just looking at me and telling me "He's the luckiest man in the world." I felt it so much that he meant it. How could someone with so much else going on make you feel like you are the only thing in the world? (Maybe by being an amazing liar?). I'd love to think that had we ever done it properly he would have remained the same. But, looking back outside of that bubble there are many things I cannot be sure of (funny how I was so sure back then).

My Frederick chapter is done.

I just need someone who is careful with me. Intentional. It is what draws me in the most. In my head the honeymoon stage should never be over. It seems so abrupt. I understand people have work and life, but these things are also around while you are pursuing me.  And isn't love a full time job? Maybe the most important one you will have in life? So what changes? Comfort? Comfort, is literally the devil. I can't give more than my emotional share. I don't want to be the planner, harasser, nagger, carer. Especially when I was never these things when I was being pursued. So I don't want a liar like Frederick, but I also want someone who is doting and aware, so aware its like I'm his mistress. I want to be a wife who is treated with the intention and love and above and beyond as a mistress. I don't want to become like your sister.

Always trying to keep my head above water.

9/10/18 11:28am

I refuse to be someone else's victim, so i become a victim of myself.

10:25am 8/29/18

Hi, I forgot you existed. Im happy I found you. So funny reading old posts and seeing how engaged I was in life, even though I am aware of what I was going through. I was so hopeful. So much has changed, I sometimes feel like I am trying to pick off the scabs before they've fully healed. They're supposed to drop off by themselves and reveal healthy skin right? But also not everyone's body heals the same. I guess I will I update once in a while. I enjoy the simplicity of this.